You place is remodeled with carpets and paint but the carpet is from 800 BC Egyptian times and smells and the paint is made from Scarab dung.

I wish I wasn't friendzoned all the time.

Youre nothing but friends with nothing but hot-victoria-secret models, they let you drive their bus on tour around the country talking about the bonus's of being in the friend zone as to best promote abstinence.!

i wish the music today held the same golden hit quality of the music of the 80's to the early 90's funk

just by using the word "funk", you make yourself progression redundant and you're trapped in a magic carpet ride with some singing Arab guy while you go across the world.

I wish that I had a way to communicate with aliens

wish granted, you communicate with all aliens using the the universal language of flatulence! And to keep up with the conversation you regularly force yourself to drink whole milk, for long intellectual conversations, regarding the cosmos and such. but after the first week you gain weight and your gall bladder blows out, giving your "speech" a certain lazy lisp, which the a certain race of aliens misunderstands your low murmuring of passing gas as a highly insulting remark. where as they use thier superior tech to zap you into the 10th dimension.

i wish i had a closet full of nice hugo boss suits.!

Turns out, Hugo figured it was time and came out of the closet. Dressed in his finest male chic, he proceeds to boss (baws!) you until you wish that Hugo didn't used to make suits in the closet.

I wish that I had the power to control air

Granted but you lose the power to control your bladder which in turn counter acts your power to control air.

i wish i knew how to code turntable.fm bots

I read that as "turnable boots" so you get some turnable boots instead. Heh.

I wish that I had the power to compress time for myself. This means I can get more things done in my own timezone.

granted, but you find out the hardway, that the manual for learning how to compress time is written in 6pt font since its about bending space and time, which is a highly detailed process (such as this wish granting) and knowing your past history with faulty vision. it delaying more of your time by two weeks before you receive your special glasses in the mail . then you realize youre on a starving student wage, and cant pay the delivery man for another two weeks. Completing a whole month total in delayin. and since time is an illusive entity and is always changing. your ability to compress time becomes out of date in that months time.!

i wish a had a secretary that could write down as i spoke aloud!

you have an affair with your secretary and she gives you strep throat, you get mad at her for getting you sick... now she won't write because she is tripping and you can't speak cuz you lost your voice.

I wish dumb music didn't become so popular.